is it ok to write a post about grief this close to christmas?

If not, I really am sorry. Just click away.  I would understand completely. 

My mom fell ill a few days after Halloween.  November was a blur caring for her here at home for a week, two weeks in the hospital and then her death and funeral. In fact, I still have fall decorations on the porch and in the living room.  We have pumpkins instead of Christmas right now. I am trying to transition seasons between trips back and forth to clean out her apartment.  Thus far, there are no Christmas cookies baked, not a present bought nor an ornament hung.  It will be a very different sort of Christmas. I did manage to put up the advent log two and a half weeks late but we have forgotten to light the candles and do the devotions except for one day. We are hoping to get a Christmas tree this weekend. The house, until yesterday, was still filled with large flower arrangements left over from the service.  Many were wilting and so I threw them all away. I just couldn't bear to look at them anymore.  

I don't mean to be depressing.  I've read over and over how our blogs are supposed to bless others.  I will fall short today and I'm so sorry.  I take consolation that Jesus himself wept at the death of his dear friend Lazarus even though He knew He was about to raise him from the dead.

I have had very little time to grieve. I went straight from the hospital to the funeral home, spent the days after buying cemetery plots, clothing for the children to wear, planning the funeral, filing paperwork and trying to continue to breathe in and out.  Within a day of the funeral, we were cleaning out mom's apartment and have been working on it nonstop ever since. I have no siblings and my father died ten years ago. So that leaves me and my immediate family to do the packing and sorting and moving. I have hit a wall and can't bear to go any longer, can't figure out how to organize that which is still there.  I would like to pay someone to box up the rest and be done with it. Then there is estate work, thank you notes and all the rest. Completely exhausting to me to think about.  

I want to sit in my home (a clean home, not the one that has been through a whirlwind of sadness and rushing about for the last few weeks) and knit.  I want to drink tea and read Christmas books with my children next to a decorated tree, listening to Christmas carols.  I want to spend my days thinking about what kind of cookie to make and which picture book to read aloud next.  But that is not my lot this year. Do I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself? I probably am. It is what it is. 

I miss my mother. This time last year we were baking dozens and dozens of cookies: apricot and prune kolachy, cinnamon sugared pecans and gingersnaps. The world continues to rotate and I want to ask everyone, "How can you go about your business as usual when my mother just died? Why isn't everyone stopping to pause and remember this lovely woman? Where is the moment of silence, the holiday off work where everyone hugs their family a little tighter?"

I know mothers die every day. But she sure was a very special mother.  

Comments

[Lucy]

My heart goes out to you. I have yet to lose my parents but the thought makes me breathless - especially seeing how my mum has suffered the loss of her mother. All of your feelings make perfect sense and of course you can share them. Should share them so your readers can pray for you. I hope and pray that despite the devastating loss of your mother you can find some joy and peace this advent and Christmas, which she would wish and pray for you to have also. God bless you.

[Cay Gibson]

(((hugs)))) and prayers! It's a heavy cross to bear, especially when you're expecting to carry baby to the manger instead. Much love!

[Sarah]

Oh Rebecca. Sending prayers and hugs your way. May Our Beautiful Blessed Mother hold you especially close as you grieve the loss of your mom. I am praying and praying for you.

[Love2learn Mom]

Certainly blessing each other through blogs is a two way street and I'm glad you posted this. I will pray that God will bless you in a special way through this difficult Advent and that you will find Christmas lovely in new ways despite (or even perhaps at times because of) your grief.

[Kim]

It is appropriate. The creche was just the first step to the cross after all, a path which would be walked through a vale of tears. I know you though and I know you find reason to smile. I pray joy will find you in unexpected ways this season. It isn't about the doing remember. Just be. It is enough. : ) Much love!

[Annie]

Oh Rebecca. Hugs ....I have been thinking about you everyday.

[molly]

my most profound sorrow for your loss. I appreciate your post, your honesty does bless us. One does not need to pretend happiness in order to be a blessing. truth is real charity.

[Sue]

Dear Rebecca, I couldn't help but cry fresh tears with you. I am now in my parents' home, which is now "my dad's house" for the first time since my mom passed. The last time I was here was for her funeral after her very unexpected death 6 years ago. For the few weeks leading up to our trip I began to sense that it would be hard in some ways. I always miss her, and most especially at the holidays, but being here with her things all around me (my dad hasn't changed a single thing in the house)... it's hard. I wake up each morning expecting her to be in the kitchen making coffee like she always did, even all these years later - it's a kind of delayed grief, I guess.

All that is to say that I know how you feel, at lest in some measure, and I will be holding you in my heart and praying for you as you go through your first Christmas without your mother. XO

[Karen Edmisten]

Oh, Rebecca, the beauty and grief of this post is a beautiful tribute to your mother and there is never a time that's inappropriate to feel our grief over such a huge loss. And Christ was born to be with us in times like this .... Hugs to you.