I wanted to explain my recent period of silence. It was not an intentional break and kind of happened by chance. I also don't want anyone to think it was a statement of rejection of the internet. I am still online for a bit each day, checking email, even on Facebook occasionally as well. I have mulled over why I am not blogging and can really pinpoint it to a few reasons. These are my reasons, no one else's. Please understand that.
First, my blog started out as a place where I could record my thoughts about my children, post photos, poems, just kind of a catch all online journal. I am a poet at heart. I wanted a place to write things that I wanted to remember. When my blog started to receive visitors, it seemed most of those people were 1) Catholic and 2) homeschoolers. So my blog morphed into a place where I posted things of interest to that audience, not because I was being false, but mainly because I did not think my visitors would care to know what music I listen to or that I used to watch The Office or that I enjoyed an occasional Guinness or any other number of random things unrelated to Catholic homeschooling. I did not do this intentionally but now I see it was not real. I regret that not only for my sake but for that of my family.
Secondly, I have felt tremendous pressure (honestly, from within myself) over the years to make my blog a lovely place, a blessing, a ministry. I hope it is a blessing. However, it will only be one because I intend to be genuine and real, not because I will not post any of my bad days or my struggles in life. I have not ever been able to write perpetually chipper post after post. I am not a flowery, gushy person. I did not start a blog so I could minister to people. I hope that does not sound harsh. I started it as a place to share and record our real life, the real me, my real family. I hope that some of you find some inspiration, hope or humor here. But you will also find difficulty, sadness and struggles on occasion. That is part of who I am and, I think, tastefully written, it does no one any harm to share or read those things. Many people find blessing and peace knowing others are walking a bumpy road with them and that they are not alone.
Third, since starting my blog, I have burned out. I have not burned out as you may be thinking, not haggard and tired and close to tears with a messy home and unkempt children. I actually have felt quite happy as of late. My family members are happy. I have burned out on the homeschooling scene. I still believe strongly in homeschooling but I am no longer finding all of my identity in the fact that I homeschool. I am not trying to prove myself to be knowledgable or to be any sort of expert. I am just happy where we are at. My kids do their lessons faithfully each day. There is beauty in every day. We are steadily trucking along and learning quite a bit. However, I do not want to be a professional homeschooling mom. I just want to be a mom, a wife and a friend, who happens to homeschool.
Fourth, I am finding myself resisting any overspiritualization. In regards to the Catholic content of my blog, I have ceased to post little blurbs about what feast day it is unless my family is truly celebrating those feast days. We really only celebrate one a few times a year. And it is usually with a coloring page or small craft, a treat and a story, not a lot of hoopla. That's about it. I used to make sure to post something all the time for each feast day, whether we celebrated it or not. Some times I would even plan to celebrate one simply so I could blog about it which to me is insane. I don't know why I did that. I just feel that for a couple of years I hid behind overspiritualization and labelled myself into a corner in many ways. I have been spending the past couple of months fighting my way out of that corner. My family is much happier and I am too.
Lastly, I am not an expert in anything. I have no business telling you what to wear, how to run your homeschool or how to be a good wife. Honestly, I am so humbled by my lack of knowledge. I regret, in many ways, some of the posts I wrote about politics or fashion or housekeeping. When I reread them, many of them sound pompous and indignant. I did not do that intentionally and am sorry for sounding anything but humble. I realize that much of what I said and did online in years past came from truly thinking I was doing the right thing, only to find that I was darn wrong. Mea culpa.
So, I may not be posting as often as I have in times past. But what I do post will be from the heart. Like the Velveteen Rabbit, I am trying to become real. Keep me in your prayers, if you so kindly will and thank you for stopping by.
Love,
Rebecca
